MomScout Book Review: Pamela Druckerman’s Bringing Up Bébé

Tried to be honest and honestly, I appreciated what she was going for AND (I think) the French style of parenting...

Before you’ve read on in this book review of Pamala Druckerman’s Bringing Up Bébé, before you’ve made a judgement on how well I know my parental stuff – let me stop you.  My babe is only coming up on a year, I’m addicted to parenting books in general, AND I am also, now admittedly…a Francophile. 

Though I completely lost it, at 6 years old, at my first group French lesson (or perhaps because of it) I have always been attracted to the culture. I relish the fact that my grandma Esther, though I never knew her, gave me a respectable 25% of French-heritage blood running through these little Midwestern veins. When choosing between Spanish or French in middle and high school, the choice was clear. My first *ahem* true love was also a French person during a three week high school cultural exchange and, well, the list goes on.

I admire the French style of cooking, French beauty (Chloé! Dior!), and even, it appears, the French way of parenting outlined in Bringing Up Bébé. With it’s emphasis on encouraging development that ultimately (hopefully) gives us thoughtful, logical, well-mannered little people…it was hard to not be attracted to the idea.

It was one of those books that disappoints you as soon as you start it because you know you’re going to finish it off so soon… 

Druckerman’s writing style feels earnest and slightly nerdy. She is self-deprecatory; for instance (and I’m liberally paraphrasing here) “My children are wild animals that scream if their food touches, while the French kids are sitting there quietly having a spot of chocolat for their one afternoon snack.”

I appreciated the way that she spelled out the basic mechanics of raising a French child (state-funded crèche at 3 months, same for the école maternelle starting at age 3) but also recognized and attempted to unpack the underlying philosophy. French parenting, according to Druckerman, is very, very different than American parenting. Reading it made me feel a little embarrassed for her and  in my own everyday way, to take a step back and ask myself:

“Is how I’m taking care of my little one best for her or best for me? And is there a difference?” 

The point that stuck with me the most was that what is good for the mother and father is assumed to also be good for the child. Druckerman gives an example of having to corral her little boy back from the gates of the small park where she was having a lovely conversation with another French mother. The French maman watches in bemusement for a while and then basically tells her to stop messing around and say no like she means it. She goes through a mild internal dillema but it finally “works” after two or three determined “NONS” – les mères continue their conversation, les enfants play happily within their pre-determined boundaries…

…everyone wins.

I feel as if there are a lot of pressures here in the US to be hyper-vigilant about what-if scenarios that are very, very unlikely to occur. It’s as if moms being in crisis mode all the time is normal and even a mark of a truly great mother. I dislike this because it puts too much pressure on moms and, IMHO, isn’t realistic. Yes we should keep our children very, very safe; no, they shouldn’t be kept in a bubble that excludes them from the real world of cause and effect as it could limit their own personal development (and also make us moms go totally nuts-o crazy with unrealistic expectations). I have more faith in our littles than that!

Overall the book read a little Carrie Bradshaw for my taste but like I said: accessible and interesting. I tend to shy away from any writing that makes blanket statements about “us vs. them” but it was a fun read, and I don’t think too many punches were pulled at the expense of the French women’s movement (hopefully). Druckerman has a few other books, including one about international rites of infidelity – and for a quick, accesible, fun-and-a-little-sexy read, I’d pick it up 🙂 Honestly, I’d pick up her other parenting books too.

You? Have any experience parenting away from your native homeland? Think French parenting is spot-on or too harsh? Have you read Bringing up Bébé and have…thoughts? I’d love to hear from ya in the comments!

<3, Alex (Chief MomScout)

Call Me Crazy...

 ...but I love my search history at work some days:

"what drugs are mood stabilizers?"

"corpus mollscum contagiosum"

"low dose CT lung without contrast"

"what is an EBUS"

"AKT1 gene cannabis psychosis"

"high D dimer"

"vegan nutrition guide milk allergy infant"

"is sea clens same as hibaclens?"

"wound drainage vs. strike through"

Don't be alarmed but...us healthcare grunts Google all day too.

Maternal Mental Health

In honor of Maternal Mental Health Week, I thought I’d write down some of my musings (rants?) on the subject. I’m an RN in the postpartum unit of a major local hospital, so interact with moms of all types in that fast and furious first 1-3 days (and sometimes longer) from birth. I wrote my Master’s thesis on postpartum depression and the efficacy/importance of prenatal identification for at-risk mamas. I myself am a mom (would be a pretty weird blog name if not, huh?) that has gone through her own pits and valleys with mental health issues, and also spent a few years volunteering on a really excellent phone line for people in crisis related to sexual trauma. What I’m trying to say is that…I feel like I’m qualified to say my little piece on moms and mental health here in Internetland.

I like to qualify myself a little because I run into so, SO much media and culture that has this funny little undercurrent that seems to whisper: “You are not enough”. As a woman, as a new mother, as an experienced one, a young one, an old one…

I don’t like it.

That little undercurrent feels like it’s there to play on the vulnerable mama’s fears. We are all a little unsure of ourselves in the beginning (and even as our littles grow older) and those kind of articles and list-posts I see on Pinterest especially can really ratchet up those feelings. I came upon this ad smack-dab in the middle of an article on 11 month old milestones the other day and was just a little infuriated.

Do we not have enough to deal with while trying to holistically prepare a precious nest for our littles without some weird internet company trying to capitalize on our small, legitimate insecurities? Even Mayo Clinic (which was and is still a fairly go-to resource for this MomScout) had a little side ad advertising their Mayo Clinic Diet and how much weight I wanted to lose – leave me and my body – pregnant or otherwise – alone, Mayo Clinic advertising bot ppl!

While I was pregnant with Fiona and doing my due diligence by Googling and talking to friends/family/co-workers, reading the pregnancy/delivery/parenting books…I felt like I was doing a good job. But many of those resources just contradicted each other! 

I was left a little nonplussed from the whole information-gathering aspect of preparing to become a mother. There WERE some highlights, such as the book The First Fourty Days: The Essential Art of Nourishing the New Mother [EDIT: OMG buy this for any foodie-type pregnant lady - it is gorgeous and makes the best present] which really emphasized focusing on mom and baby in that critical first month (vs. hosting people,  or getting all the right photo ops, etc.) I also could not get enough of the birth stories and practical advice from the venerable Ina May Gaskin’s Guide to Childbirth. There were a few others, and my midwives were all very open to talking about “the plan” for a very low dose antidepressant for afterwards, but here’s the thing:

I was finding other stuff in my research.

A truly fantastic way to address non-emergent maternal mental health issues is for that beautiful new mama to get together with other moms! The friendliness, the understanding, the companionship, the community – studies show that moms that participate in some kind of activity, formal or otherwise, that gets them together with other moms/parents really, really helps with decreasing risk of mental health issues. I truly loved my new moms group (for free!) at Blooma Yoga here in St. Paul – and it was just an empty room filled with new moms and their little ones, going around a circle and sharing their ups and downs in a safe, calm environment. So empowering and lovely.

Another way is to practice mindfulness, and become calm from within about the pregnancy, the preparation, the major life upheaval it will be regardless of whether it’s first baby or fifth 😉 There are a ton of mindfulness strategies to help harness that qi and I am currently working on a blog post talking about some of my personal faves.

Another overly simplistic-sounding way to address maternal mental health issues is to prevent them – and that means talking about it with your healthcare professional or at least making a plan before you give birth. If you have had issues before, assume that the sea-change that is the hormonal shift upon delivering, or the staggering happiness and fatigue that comes with being anyone’s sole caregiver – nonetheless a tiny, very-demanding human that you care very, VERY much about – will very most likely make these issues…come up.

Some healthcare profs don’t know what to do with a positive prenatal screen for depression risk, and I don’t fault them for it as the training can be minimal, but if you have an inkling you might be at-risk and they don’t bring it up or talk about practical ways to address this very real and normal hazard of childbearing…move on!

Some things you can do if you feel you are at risk, pre OR postnatally:

• Call the Postpartum Support International Helpline in your prenatal period!
• Talk to a trusted sister, friend, therapist, partner, or integrative health specialist!
• If you are a woman of color that feels like you might have issues with postpartum depression – and there is more of a risk for this demographic –  look here!

Anyways. I am glad there is an emphasis on maternal health this week. I unfortunately cannot run in the upcoming Daisy Dash to benefit Minnesota’s Pregnancy and Postpartum Support organization because of a prior family obligation, but will be there in spirit and have donated. Let’s keep the conversation focused on the well-being of mamas and the well-being of their children and families will only follow. Cheers to all you mamas out there, and for the healthcare professionals doing their best to support them holistically!

xoxo, MomScout

Smooth Like Butter: Apple Butter

When Little One started getting older, around 4-5 months, we started thinking about foods. At least I did – the Significant Other was affably all ears but was also perfectly fine with me steering the ship. Probably because it’s de rigeur, I first connected with “Baby Led Weaning” (letting baby choose from an array of solids with no hands-on help from ‘rents) and went from there.

Eventually we settled into a rhythm of “BLW” plus some purees, some help with feeding, but mostly letting Baby Fifi guide us with how she wanted to start eating solids. It’s an exhilarating thing (at least for this over-eager home chef) to help someone try, say, lox for the first time (loved) or avocado (not so much).

My biggest caveat throughout her introductory phase into foods (and through now – she was 11 months yesterday!) is that she eat whole, unprocessed foods and as much from scratch as possible. Preservatives, chemicals, unnatural nutrients from “food-like substances” that aren’t optimal for our cells to simply metabolize…no thank you. I’ve always been the primary cook in our household and it’s how I’ve chosen to nourish SO and myself as well.

Of course we don’t always eat so perfectly…

…but when it’s something more sweet or fatty or carb-laden (oh hello, fresh-baked rosemary bread with butter, guhhh) it’s as a delightful indulgence  and not the norm (nor something to feel guilty about for days on end). Really, I’ve always just tried to find us a balance of whole, healthful, super-appetizing foods with not so much cost and preparations that fit into our decently busy lifestyles. TBH kind of a tall order but one that I feel passionate about, so it has never felt like work to pursue.

In any case, I started to think – a lot – about what I could prep for Fiona that was easy-ish and nutritious for our precious little bean. There was a lot of trial and error (and still very much is) and I just kept reiterating the fact that babies are programmed to not like new flavors/textures right away and that they have to taste something approximately 7.2 billion times before they even think about liking it. Thus far we’ve been lucky that she’s accepted most things in that she’s a good eater and hopefully developing a little palate that appreciates the kind of food we like to eat also.

Greatest hits right now at 11 months: frozen blueberries that have thawed (nice and squishy and relatively easy for little fingers to pick-up), whole-fat Greek yogurt with some kind of fruit or berry and flax meal, million-grain toast with hummus (TBH toast with anything!), and what this whole post is about: apple butter.

Now I really know nothing about making apple butter. I thought, when I decided to make it, that I was making apple sauce. I think ultimately we ended up with a hybrid for this first batch. As with many first time recipes that I do, I read several different recipes on the Internetz to get a general feel of the preparation and then decided to partially wing it. Three 3-pounds bags of apples later, I had a crockpot of delicious goodness for little girl! Here’s what I did:

• Bought 9 lbs of Fuji apples (for like $10 total…thanks Aldi!)
• Soaked and rinsed with water-white vinegar and then cored the apples
• Cut ’em up and threw ’em in the trusty ol’ Crockpot with a pinch of cinnamon-sugar
• Put it on low (not warm, not high, right in between) overnight
• Woke up and picked about half the peels out (for future batches I’ve saved these peels and froze in hopes of using to make dog treats – the first time I just put  them in the compost bucket along with the cores etc.)
• Immersion blended and ended up with very roughly about 4 cups of smooth, surprisingly dark sauce
• Put into my trusty, fabulous glass baby-food jars
• Fed to Fiona at room temp as we beamed at each other in mutual apple sauce-butter appreciation 🙂

I think if I let the apple sauce-butter go a little longer it would become true apple butter in that glossy, dark, rich way that Mother Google tells me it should. I’m okay with the way it turned out for us just because Fiona seems to really like it...and I feel great about making her food myself and skipping the processed junk.

I also really liked leaving at least some of the peels because that’s where a lot of the fibrous nutritional value in apples lies. It did have slightly, uh…laxative benefits for her but nothing bad as far as diaper blowouts, more like just a really healthy BM <–forgive the poop talk – I am an RN after all and aren’t we all at least vaguely interested in GI function (and especially after having little ones?) 😉

Anyone else make apple sauce for their littles? I tried half Fuji and half green apple too and it was tasty and tart, plus a batch of all Red Delish that got highest points from the hubs as the best “apple pie” taste. Thoughts on different apple varietals for sauce? Anyone use reusable pouches instead of baby-food jars? Let me know in the comments!

-Alex, head MomScout

(Originally posted April 30, 2018)

Holy Hannah...

...I found it. Let the domain "Diary of a MomScout" lapse (oh you clunky fucker you) but because of a hair of freetime at work and The Wayback Machine at archive.org...here it is!

I'm mostly proud of the various subject matter (and shoot, I had some decent graphics going that you can't see anymore) rather than the writing but yeah. You can definitely tell I was a new mom, a postpartum nurse, and have taken some MediaBistro classes way back when. Makes me remember my true love is catchy, bloggy writing which is definitely discordant with sites like Literary Mama (which is exactly how their gracious editor replied to my various submissions as well). 

I still love mamas. I still love the babes, and early childhood things, and treating people as a whole vs. their problem list...but there I go. Coming out from a little isolation/seclusion patch, getting ready to share again. Much love. 

---

"In Defense of the Postpartum Mom" 

I love new moms. There I said it. 

Moms who breastfeed their babies, moms who exclusively formula feed…moms who are on baby number four and moms who have actually just taken on the role. The creation of a family, however that looks, is beautifully profound. Moms, dads, grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends, community members, cousins…and there, at the center of it, is a beautiful new mom and baby-child. 

That dynamic duo…they’ve just been through a lot! Even the smoothest of deliveries (and even adoptions) come with a certain amount of stress. 

For instance: 

That long, slow-moving pregnancy, full of anticipation and maybe a little fear; the burst of energy right before delivery that many women experience; the delivery (dear God, the delivery). 

In the immediate weeks postpartum, women and their babies (and to an extent their partners) need a particular brand of support that few seem to actually receive – but is very, very simple… 

The postpartum period is defined as about 6 weeks post- (or immediately after) delivering your baby. Rather than focus solely on getting the nursery just so, or putting the toys together that baby wont be interested in for many months, let’s focus on making mom, baby, and partner’s lives as easy as possible during this time. And you know why? So everyone can focus on the two most important things right away which are… 

 SLEEPING. And EATING. 

Sleeping and eating get the short shrift in our culture. Sleeping and eating take place around all the other activities we’re expected to do (work, chores, caretaking, social stuff, charity, more work…) Sleeping and eating are what we do “when we have time”. Unsurprisingly rest and food are also what we end up craving when our bodies and brains (and sometimes hearts) are tired or exhausted. Sometimes it gets unhealthy. 

But! 

As long as we take some time to prepare for the postpartum phase, and to maybe even meditate on the way we want to have our tender babies experience this world for that first while…we can do better. For them and for ourselves. 

A great way to start, usually during pregnancy but whenever is good, is to use a little integrative health method called visualization. Athletes use this method to imagine, in detail, what winning will look, feel, sound, even taste like. It’s a tool available to anyone and everyone, and can be useful to envision your ideal postpartum period. 

Now there are MANY resources on the Internet on sleeping with a new baby in the house (duh.) I really found solace (and some laughter) in Alexis DuBief’s book, Precious Little Sleep, in case you’re looking. Here’s the more important part to come to terms with though: your sleep will be disrupted no matter what. It doesn’t matter how good your baby is or how prepared with a certain method you are. 

My main goal with this post is to tell you: sleep when baby sleeps. Maybe you are a lucky one that has an infant that sleeps all night, or wakes up only once. Maybe you will have a little one that wakes up on the hour at night to eat and sleeps all day. Either way, when that baby shuts his or her beautiful little eyes (and please trust me, that moment will in fact come!) I want you to be a mama mirror and do the same. 

It can be hard, but it is so, so crucial that for at least a while you take those moments to rest, whether they are long or short. Leave the dishes and bottles for hubs to do. Let someone else do the laundry. For sure don’t get caught up in hosting family or friends unless you are okay with them seeing things less than tip-top shape at home. Everyone means well, but there aren’t many people that can truly give the kind of care that moms and babies need during this important time. 

And finally: EATING – YAY! Eating healthful food regularly is important in all life stages and even more so during the postpartum period. It is especially so if you’re nursing your infant but still is even if you’re not. 

For nursing moms, consider yourself a food source. Put good stuff in, get good stuff out in the form of extra-nutritious colostrum and milk for your babe. For moms that have chosen to formula feed, you are still recovering from a major, physical undertaking and getting all of your nutrients and calories will only help your body get back to it’s pre-pregnancy state. 

Notice I didn’t write out “pre-pregnancy weight“! While there will be a time when your thoughts will of course turn to losing the bloat and extra poundage that came with creating a happy and healthy home for your little during pregnancy, that time is not the 6 weeks out from delivery. Enjoy sleeping on your stomach again, accept the offers from friends and family to bring meals over, and if you can revel in the miraculous wonder that is your beautiful, female form. You made a human which is as close to magic as it comes, in this Mom Scout’s book. Huzzah! 

Do you have any particular practices or comfort strategies that you use in the postpartum period? Please share if so and rock on, MomScouts! 

-Alex, head MomScout

Dark Days / Cool Nights

“The way your survival instinct showed itself when you were too young or helpless to control it doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you a stronger, fuller person for still being around. For having found your way back to life.”

-Heidi Priebe, Thought Catalogue

Compelling

Love is not a thing you try to do. It wants to be the thing compelling you.

Indie Sleaze Bucket

what can i say? tbph if i had to listen to one robot-created playlist for the rest of time…

Nerd OUT

If this steel drum mashup doesn't get you moving, I just don't know what to say.

And for the (ever-eternal) musicology dorks among us: PAN Magazine's (Steelpan News and Culture) "How Bacao Rhythm and Steel Found Its Own Voice with Steelpan" Okay, some of this is just straight Napolean Dynamite. Why do I love that movie so damn much??

Gently Go

"...The universe was reminding me of something. It was a place inside me, one I had discovered before, a place of gentleness and love. Somewhere along my life's journey, with all its trials, moving about, business, and experiences, I had let gentleness slip away. Now it was time to go there again. It was a reminder to be gentle and kind to others, be gentle and kind to myself."

-Melody Beattie, "Journey To the Heart" (June 8th)

I'm not sure what to say but I know I felt the love yesterday, on my birthday. Small things made a big impact and I was and am so thankful for that. "The ground that catches us can be kind" and I feel like I've experienced that at certain points, and am so very lucky for it.

I hope to aim for gentleness in my 37th trip around this sun here in 2021. I hope to strike a mindful, smart, generous balance between head and heart. My energy is my greatest unique resource and I hope to use it well, kindly...beautifully. 

So much to be thankful for and while there will still be mistakes and missteps (oh Lord will there ever and always), I hope to stop and breathe, to remember to go gently, to go on with this life with grand perspective.