02 December 2015


I have never experienced stress and anxiety like this before!  It's the kind where if anyone is even remotely lovely or warm or empathetic, I get misty-eyed.  I am transferring all kinds of inappropriate emotions onto people, looking for comfort from my professors, being snippy with sales clerks, neglecting my very best friends :( The old man is being hella amazing but even he's a little cowed in the face of all. this. stress emanating from me.  It feels like I have something a little radioactive in me that people far wiser and more experienced than I am can sense and feel the need to gently avoid.  It's...the sickening!  (Anyone watching this?)

I'm being dramatic, and can tell especially while writing it out, but honestly - having put so much work and time and money into this program, and having it be wrapping up March '16 (thank God), and being tested in a way that is like, "pass or you will FAIL" is difficult.  I think I'm making up some of the pressure, and being kind of awful about it in some ways (like blaming it on certain professors and whatnot) but still. When you have a weekend of two 12-hour hospital shifts coming up, and your thought is, "Geez, that's going to be nice!" - you know it's bad. My last few months at MoHo were a hellish mix of fear and anxiety that inhibited me from savoring the last little sips of my undergrad. experience and enjoying the people around me, and I'd rather not let that happen quite as bad with grad. school. I take such comfort in my friends and family who have been through stuff like this, and succeeded.

Also in the back of my head is papi, and it's also like this weird, radioactive thing.  Like, I don't ever want to talk about him/his situation/how my mom's handling it (not well, imho) to ppl that aren't already filled in or get my shorthand about the situation, but then when I do get a chance to reflect on it I have this well of crazy emotion come out of me.  Like, huge anger, huge sadness, huge frustration.  I'll be going home from Xmas to NYE so that should be good to be there, to have a presence as my original little family unit navigates the weirdness of it all.  Blerf.

Time for dranks at the end of this Sunday shift at 7pm, my friends!